I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
