You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize