I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
