I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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