We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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