yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
