You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
