Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She bit a glass in half.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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