8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
