He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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