Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
