five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
