walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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