I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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