If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize