Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
