Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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