i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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