I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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