Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
