apparently the secret to your success is patron
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
