wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
