I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
