I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
