I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
