also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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