it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
