every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
