Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
