i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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