if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
