we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
