the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
