I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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