I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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