Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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