I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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