He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
