Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
