JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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