Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
