I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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