you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
