Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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