Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
