My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
