I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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