The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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