When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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