I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
