Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
