You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mom said you looked used
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
