and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
