so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
