You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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