On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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