Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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