Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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