Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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