my phone needs a breathalizer
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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