Already got asked if we're dating
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
