Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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