You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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