My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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