I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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