Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
