Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
