Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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