I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
